initium novum (new begining)
by kimi170
Summary: When life turns around, and new beginnings blossom, who and what will help subside the pain, but bring love? In progress


**Chapter 1: Afraid**

**I do not own any of the characters, I simply thought of this and decided to let my brain take control.**

I had a terrible feeling once I opened my eyes. I don't know if it was something different about today, maybe the weather- it's raining in mid-July- but there was a deep sinking feeling and uneasiness in my stomach, it clenched my insides. Making me feel like I had the stomach flu or something, but I knew that, that wasn't it. Besides that odd feeling, my body told me I was feeling ok. I stretched and got up from bed and as usual I followed my daily routine; I showered, brushed my teeth, comb my untamable hair, dressed, and looked at my overall appearance. I knew that I wasn't the prettiest of girls in the world, I didn't have a well constructed figure, high cheekbones, large breasts, or for the matter I wasn't even tall enough as other girls my age. I was average. I had always been, even if I had talents in wizardry, I was still considered average. But somehow, when I saw my reflection something told me I was different, I didn't see it, but somehow I knew. I tried to look closely, but there wasn't anything there, just... me. I decided to let it go, maybe it was a figment of my imagination, and I was just feeling insecure.

Over the years I have tried to fit in, in both worlds- muggle and wizardry- but I haven't accomplished it... Yes I'm Harry Potter's best friend, but that doesn't decide who I am, or how I will act. yea I get it, I helped Defeat evil and brought peace... yea, blah, blah... It gets annoying after a while, people don't look at you for who you truly are anymore, but rather to what you are. I have always felt out of place, like something in my life is still missing and I can't seem to find it. People see me as a nerd, know-it-all, bookworm, that they can taunt and make fun of. I have had my side of the bullying side. But I have also felt victory, and even what at the moment I thought was love. I guess you can say I have the feelings of a normal teenager... yes I get the urge to eat as much chocolate that fits in my mouth when I'm sad, I enjoy being outside, and I love sports. I hang out with both muggle and wizard friends, and not so long ago I even had a boyfriend. I was normal, I lived a normal life, I was _average._

I stepped outside my room and the odd feeling appeared again. The clutching, nauseating feeling rose to my body. I light, thin layer of sweat branched itself in my forehead. A dizzying feeling crept up my spine, sending a shiver down my core. Maybe I was coming down with something, people get sick all the time right? I mean that's the logical reason. Although I'm trying to suppress the feeling, I move to walk but I can't. I force myself to move to the edge of the staircase and try to take a step down. I freeze. My chest hurts, my breathing is rapid, my palms are sweaty... My mind is racing. I can't ignore it, there is something wrong; out of place. It's like someone put an unwanted weight in my perfectly balanced balance. I knew that whatever it was it was not going to be good. I felt it, I sensed it. How much time has passed since I stopped in the staircase? It could have been minutes or even hours, not I could tell. I'm still frozen, stuck, _afraid_. I haven't been afraid in a long time, not since the war. I recognized the symptoms that my body was sending me. Is that same feeling you get when you know you did something wrong and now is the time to confront it. I am _afraid_.

I don't know what I'm afraid of yet... but is concerning, and somehow I know I still have to face it. I don't know if its loss, or pain, or maybe both, shock?. I don't know, I feel unsteady. I look down the stairs- the stairs had recently been replaced with sherry wood, and had been polished. I try to stall. For the first time, I didn't want to know what layed ahead, I didn't want to know what might happen, I did not want to know if it would be life changing. I feel like a little girl when she got in trouble and was called to the kitchen to get scolded and reminded of why what she did was wrong, and should never do again. I let a small chuckle vibrate up my throat, for thinking so childish. I put a foot on the first step it doesn't creak or make any sound. My finger tips are tingling. Another step down, my hands shake. Third step, I can't breath. Fourth step, I feel nauseated. Fifth step, the thin layer of sweat spreads to my neck. Sixth step, I freeze. I can't do it, I can't. I take a deep breath and move to the next step. I open my eyes and count how many I have left. One. Two. Three. Four. Just four more, but it feels like I had been walking down those steps forever. I take another breath, and clean my sweaty palms on my dress. Seventh step, "I can do this" I tell myself. Eighth step, my pulse races again. Ninth step, I close my eyes. Tenth step, I'm done.

I don't know why, but this is a small victory, and somehow I feel proud for accomplishing it. The feeling is still strangling my body.

Once when I was a child, I fell down the stairs and was in the hospital for several days. I was scared of stairs for a while, but I had never been _afraid_ of them. Scared and afraid are two different things. Scared is when you feel like something might get to you but you can get passed it. Afraid is horror, manipulation, anxiety, the feeling you get when there is no turning back and it's the end; death. Maybe my mind **was** playing a trick on me, by unlocking memories that I wanted to forget. It was stupid really, why would I remember something like that, it happened a long time ago. My mind was playing tricks on me. I let a small laugh pop out of my mouth. Stupid.

I went to the cupboard under the staircase and took out my blazer. The deep navy blue reminded me of the night sky. Sense why I bought it. I put my left arm in and my other arm too. "Swoosh" something rubbed my neck. A breeze; someone was right behind me and moved to the living room. I tensed, I panicked. I felt my wand in my left pocket and I clenched my wrist around it. The feeling returned and this time I knew that it wasn't my childish brain playing tricks on me. I have never felt so afraid, so senseless, so... vulnerable. I took a step back, slowly. Never turning around, my heart felt like it was going to pop out my chest anytime now. I was alone... where were my parents?. Slowly I crossed my feet to turn me around. My eyes clenched together, not wanting to see. I wanted to open them, but I couldn't. I took small steps towards the living room. What am I doing?, what if it's a serial killer and I'm heading towards where he lays. I try to stop but my legs have a mind on their own. Two more steps and I'll be in the living room. One more. I open my eyes

... I can't breath, I freeze. Is this real?. What is happening? Why.. why can't I move?

My hand leaves my wand and cover my now agape mouth. I fall to my knees. This can't be happening, no! it can't... is impossible. I have done so many good things, why must this happen? To me? Aren't there others?

My head is blank, that's never good... but I can't do anything, I'm nailed to the ground. My body trembles, my fingers shake. Everything just crumbles. Everything is gone.

**So what do you think?... is it good, should I continue? Thanks for reading, and tell me what should happen next. **


End file.
